This past Friday, my friend Claire and I had the day off from work, and we were looking for something interesting to do. Having set at a computer all week, dealing with ignorant people at work, we really needed a change of scenery, and a drink. We hopped in the truck and began our trek across the state to Altus, the Wine Capital of Arkansas. We both have had the great opportunity of attending wineries, and were really looking forward to sitting on a beautiful patio, and enjoying good food, good wine, and a good view. After a very tedious three hour drive, and a few close calls, we finally made it to Altus. We turned off the highway and headed up the mountain to the Wiederkehr winery for a good lunch on top of Mount Bethel. As we made it to the top of the hill, I was a little confused about the grounds. Having been to a winery, I was expecting a beautiful building in which overlooked the Ozark Mountains, with a huge patio for us to sit on. Instead we found an old rundown log cabin and a square post metal building in the middle of a cow patty. I mean I should not have expected much, but seriously? We walked over to the “hole in the ground” of a restaurant and we entered. We were greeted by a young lady who at first I thought was Belle from Beauty and the Beast. We were seated at a cute, little, candle lite table and were served a glass of water. We quickly realized we were definitely the youngest people there by at least 50 years. With the exception of the hostess, the entire staff was of at least 70 years old, and were all wearing Swiss maid outfits. We waited, waited, and waited some more before any of the waitresses even noticed us, but of course we had to yell at them to help us. Claire ordered a glass of wine and a sandwich, and I ordered another glass and the brisket. After another 30 minute wait we received our wine, shortly followed by our food. Claire’s food looked great, however my brisket quickly turned into ribs. Not exactly sure on how that happened…. Halfway through our meal, the waitress came over to our table to change out our candle stick, which went from being 5 inches to 12 stories. We were scared to even touch the table, in fear that it might fall and set the entire establishment on fire. After we finished our meal and paid, we walked across the street to the metal building for our tasting. We walked inside, to find exposed insulation and florescent lighting. Not quite what I had in mind. We strolled up to the counter to another Swiss maid for our tasting. She placed a small solo cup in front of us similar to the one you would use for mouth wash or if you have ever attended a party, you have seen these cups filled with vodka flavored jello. I was blown away by the fact that she just handed me a solo cup. I mean, let’s get real. We are on top of a gorgeous mountain where the experience could be a once in a lifetime deal. But instead we are in a metal shop, with solo cups. We tasted five wines, all of which were just ok, nothing special. We did not get a chance to taste very many because they were out. I mean it’s not like they make it there or anything. After we finished, we decided to leave for the next winery, I stopped to use the bathroom, which was filled with spider webs, bugs, and a dead hooker. It was scary. We drove down the hill to the next metal building, walked in and I was greeted by some man, who acted like he knew me, and we tried a few wines. I liked most of them, Claire continued to make the most horrific face at the lady serving us, and she would spit it back in the glass. After that, we drove to the next, filling a little buzz by this point. We followed the signs, and made it to the establishment, where we quickly left, because it was a person’s trailer, and I was not about to the broadcasted on CNN for my gruesome murder. We pulled over at a dollar general to Google some other wineries, found the next and hit the road. Within five minutes we pulled in to Aux Arc Winery. The grounds were everything we had hoped for. A beautiful southern style building, great landscape, a water feature, and right in the middle of a vineyard, it looked great. We were only confused as to why there was only one other car in the parking lot. Well, we soon found out why. The toothless, lunatic of a woman served us at least 12 wines, in which all tasted like mold. The first wine she served us smelled like straight asshole. Needless to say, Claire made more terrible faces, spit all of them out, and even asked for water to rinse out her mouth. Now I like wine and I have had my fair share of tastings, but this was unbearable! The only one I thought was halfway decent; she could not sell us because they were out of labels. Uh, there is a printer over by the computer, click print, and move on with your life. I’m sure she couldn’t sell it to us, because the FDA deemed it unsanitary. We bought a pity bottle of moscato (in which I am still unsure what I am going to do with it) because I felt bad for the woman, and left as soon as we could. We decided to go back to Switzerland to the restaurant to grab a bottle of wine and sit at the restaurant to have dessert, but because we live in shit hole Arkansas, the damn place closed at 3:00 PM, on a Friday. Seriously? We jumped in the truck, sober, and start our way home. We drove miles to the closest liquor store, grabbed a six pack and tried to make up for lost time.
